One of the most intense feelings that arise in the context of love is jealousy. Jealousy can make us suicidal and urge us to commit murder. Evolutionary psychologists speculate that we are jealous because it was evolutionarily beneficial to our ancestors. Men go nuts if they think that their partner has sex with another man, [...]
Did you fall in love with a narcissist? Yes? Bad news. Narcissists are incapable of having a healthy loving relationship. The pathological kind of narcissism comes in two forms: The first, which is found primarily in young adulthood, is characterized by a grandiose sense of self, promiscuity and disagreeable behavior. The second form, which is [...]
According to Biological Anthropologist Helen Fisher, it is not. It’s just like sex and attachment: A drive. Fisher’s argument for this claim is that romantic love is associated with activation of neurons in the mid brain that secrete dopamine. As the dopamine system is a more primitive system than the emotional brain and the cortical [...]
Crying improves our well-being. It releases stress hormones from the body and increases the level of the body’s natural pain-killers endorphines. According to William Frey, former Research Director of the St. Paul-Ramsey Dry Eye and Tear Research Center, emotional tears contain: Leucine-enkephalin, a mood-elevating endorphine, ACTH, a hormone that is a reliable indicator of stress [...]
When you fall in love, your bodily chemicals go haywire. The exciting, scary, mysterious and unpredictable elements of love stem from hyperstimulation of the limbic brain’s fear center known as “the amygdala”. Hyperactivation of the amygdala gives rise to a physical stress response in your body. Hans Selye, a Canadian endocrinologist, was the first to [...]
May 20th, 2012 
Brit 
If my personality assessment is Introverted Intuiting Feeling Judging, and I am in a relationship with a man with the assessment Extroverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving, should I expect failure of this relationship, or could I be doomed to stay in the relationship because of the dynamics of my own personality?
“Lucy” Read more »
May 19th, 2012 Brit 
I grew up the chunky kid and never had a girlfriend until I graduated high school. I got a job that was very physical and I dropped 50 lbs and got pretty muscular as well.
I started dating this girl and fell head over heels in love with her. She was everything to me and I was always bringing her roses, buying her anything she wanted and even doing homework for her on occasion. I loved her more than anything on earth and would even tear up when I’d tell her how much I loved her.
Well my job ended due to a layoff and I regained my weight very fast. I also tried to see her everyday just because she was all I could think about. Well, she started nursing school and things really went down hill from there. I would tell her in a text that I loved her and she’d just reply back, “you too”. Also her parents told her over and over how much better she deserved than me and how she needed to date a medical school student, etc. 1 year after we started dating, she finally dumped me and has told me over and over that she never wants to date me again and has even been very hurtful in a lot of things she’s said to me. Read more »
May 18th, 2012 Brit 
Hi Doctor Brit, I have been in a relationship with my bf for 4 years +. Last Saturday we had a big argument in his car. It (the issue) was clearly his fault. I couldn’t accept his explanations and attempted to get out of his car and run away. He stopped me by pulling my right hand while my left hand tried to unlock and open the door. He managed to stop me (he was too strong for me) but I was still struggling to escape. Then out of a sudden I felt like being slapped on the right side of my face and I turned my head to the window to protect my face and he kept hitting the back of my head for 3 – 4 times. I was so shocked as he never hit me before.
We’re planning to get married in December. Now I’m just so scared and I really don’t know what to do. I love him but now I really don’t want to marry him. A good husband supposed to protect his wife not hurting her. He had apologized and kept convincing me he didn’t mean it (by saying I pushed him to his boiling point that he couldn’t control his anger and at the same time it was raining outside he didn’t want me to leave through the dark streets alone).
I can forgive but I’ll never forget it. He makes me scared of him. I wanted to leave him but he refused to break up. He said he loves me so much and it’s not fair to leave him because of something he didn’t mean to do. He still wants to proceed with the wedding and all. While me on the other hand, my heart is not into it anymore.
I don’t know what else to do now. I am still in the process of healing.
“Lisa” (not her real name) Read more »
May 17th, 2012 Brit 
I ended a 10 month relationship with my boyfriend a bit more than a month ago because of his jealousy and controlling behavior. He was fine at first but got really mad at me for talking to other guys after the break up. He stopped texting me and ignored me in person and he did some revenge by posting some love msg about a girl to make me jealous.
We talked about it and he was mad and accusing me of trying to make him jealous but I had never. He then deleted me on FB and I stopped talking to him, went on full NC during the winter break. Read more »
May 16th, 2012 Brit 
I am in love with a man who has avoidant personality dissorder. After almost a year of having to suffer through his symptoms and after a lot of research I finally found exactly what he has.
What I do not know is what he needs and how I can help him. First off, what is the best way to approach the situation? He knows of all the symptoms he has although he is in denial about a lot of it. But I don’t know whether he sees it as a disorder.
What do I say to him? The more I try to help him the more distant he gets. Although I know he is desperate for a solution because he is in pain. He is constantly in pain. And because I am in love with him I feel the pain too. I just don’t know how to help him. To add to the situation he is a physician himself. I’m sure he understands the importance of seeking help. I’ve never said that to him though in fear of hurting his self-esteem more. Please help me. I don’t know what to do.
“Imogen” (not her real name) Read more »
May 15th, 2012 Brit 
Why is it that whenever I see my loved one, my heart beats harder and I feel sick in the stomach and chest area?
“Harrison” (not his real name)
Dear “Harrison,”
Thanks for your great question. The beginning stages of a love relationship are characterized by uncertainty, thrill, newness, excitement, motivation and reward. Seeing your loved one gives rise to a large secretion of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which makes you feel good and which motivates you. But the feel-good feeling is mixed with anxiety. When things are new, uncertain and exciting, the body’s natural levels of the feel-good chemical serotonin drop. This drop is associated with increased fear activation in the amygdala (the emotional brain) and increased secretion of the stress hormones adrenaline (epinephrine), noradrenaline (norepinephrine) and cortisol. It’s adrenaline that makes your heart beat faster, and it’s the anxiety you feel from the action of the stress chemicals and the activity in the amygdala that make you feel sick in the stomach and chest area.
Love,
Dr. Brit, co-author of The Breakup Cleanse
If you had one chance to ask Dr. Brit or Catherine any question about love or relationships, what would your single most important question be? You can submit your question here.
May 14th, 2012 Brit 
My husband and I had seperated for a little over a year and I started dating this man that told me he was going through a divorce.
After about six months of dating he told me he needed to discuss something with me but he was very afraid of loosing me. He opened up and told me that he is not divorced and that his wife and him had been going through a trial separation for the past 8 months and that they had been going to counseling together along with their kids.
He gave me a choice, he said that he loved me so much and that he never thought that he would or could love anyone other than his children as much as he loved me. He said that he never knew what love was until he met me and now he knew the difference between being in love and just loving someone and that he is completely in love with me. He would continue with the divorce if he knew that I felt the same way and I would start the process of getting my divorce but if not he was going to move back in with his family and try to make it work.
I knew I felt a kind of love for this man that I never had felt for anyone else before but for some reason I felt like the other woman once he told me the truth. I told him to go try to work things out with his wife and I was so hurt that he lied to me.
I feel that if he divorces his wife it should be because things could not work between them not because of me or any other woman. After our breakup I tried to be his friend since I have to see him once per week at our children’s activities! But he is so rude, so I recently stopped trying to communicate with him. I told him last month to just leave me alone. I told him I was sorry I ever met him! I didn’t mean it but I felt so hurt. I feel like I’ve pushed my soul mate away but I just can’t be a reason for a marriage breakup.
A couple a months after I sent him home to his family I let my husband come home, I guess because I was lonely. Now I am miserable. I miss him so much. I think about him constantly. When I do see him, I ignore him as if I don’t love him or care but I am so in love with this man. I don’t know what to do or how to stop thinking about him and us together and how things seem to be so perfect before he dropped the bomb! What should I do?
“Violet” (not her real name)
Dear “Violet,”
You did the right thing. If your ex divorces his wife to be with you, he will eventually resent you. If he gets a divorce, it should be because he cannot get the marriage to work, not because he is in love with you.
Being in love is a transient state. It doesn’t last. So eventually you and him would be in the same situation as you are in now with your respective spouses. Being in love often feels more like real love than mature love. But that doesn’t make it more real, it makes it dangerous. It makes you make rash decisions and throw away things that are good.
I think you should wait and see whether your man decides to get a divorce on his own. If he doesn’t, then move on with your life. In the meantime try to treat him as a friend. Don’t ignore him when you see him at your children’s activities. Just chat with him casually. Don’t tell him you miss him or love him or anything like that. But don’t ignore him either. If you chat with him casually, you may get a feel for whether he is about to divorce his wife on his own or whether things are in fact working out.
Good Luck!
Love,
Dr. Brit, co-author of The Breakup Cleanse
If you had one chance to ask Dr. Brit or Catherine any question about love or relationships, what would your single most important question be? You can submit your question here.
May 13th, 2012 Brit 
Dear Dr. Brit (Berit Brogaard), I want to personally thank you for you prompt and personal response to me! Until recently I did not understand the “attachment styles” of people. I have studied psychology most of my life in what started out as an attempt to understand myself many, many years ago.
I could not understand how this woman I met in a church setting and seemed to come from the same type of dysfunctional/alcoholic home as I did could be soo different in her emotions. I also could not understand how she would tell me how much she had missed me and thought of me over and over again and then abruptly leave me… only to promise never to do it again but then suddenly and without warning leave once again, leaving me very depressed and deeply hurt… and all the while trying to “understand or analyze” just what I had done. Read more »
May 12th, 2012 Brit By Christina Horrace
Love, an abstract fuel craved by the human condition, a propellant that has driven the species since pre-history. Despite centuries of rigorous audit by poets and playwrights, its documented dangers being no less known than guns and bullets, we chase it with a fervour that no other prize can incite. It has the capacity to elevate, to provoke a fierce need to live yet should it have a dark bent, the faculty to inflict such pain as to be the number one cause of suicide. Science may have made emotive description redundant, may have exchanged poetry for chemical compounds, but few of us have the sturdy rationale to not see beauty when within its grip.
The human chemistry set
Psychologists have clocked the speed of attraction at 90 seconds, a rapid response to a counterpart’s body language, voice modulation and finally, to a surprisingly lesser extent, vocal content. In an effort to capitalise on the opportunity, the brain compliments the process by crafting sensation. It releases Phenylethylamine or PEA, a naturally occurring trace ammine in the brain. This amphetamine provokes a sense of elation, of immaculate well being. In turn, the ventral tegmental, a cluster of neurons implicated in the reward circuitry of the brain, discharges the neurochemical Dopamine. This natural stimulant awards the recipient with a surge of ecstasy. It encourages drive, focus and goal orientated behaviour. It’s documented that chocolate and exciting household purchases recreate a similar environment within the brain. Read more »
May 11th, 2012 Brit By Ryan Rivera
Contrary to popular belief, drugs are not the only thing that is addictive. You can be addicted to exercising. You can be addicted to chocolate. You can also be addicted to your own emotions. It’s not uncommon to find that if you suffer from one emotion for too long, your body essentially gets used to that emotion, to the point where it feels – in some ways – less comfortable when the emotion is not there, as though you’re not really yourself.
I met a young lady that suffered from this very problem. She had a severe anxiety disorder – one that was diagnosed at a young age for which she received no treatment. She was also working three jobs, two of those jobs in order to pay for her boyfriend’s apartment.
Her Emotional Addiction to Anxiety
While there are two sides to every relationship, she was clearly in one that was emotionally abusive. She was called names regularly, told she was worthless, and openly cheated on. Yet she kept staying with him, determined to ride it out. Read more »
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